


i'd go back in time and change it (but i can't)

by wonderstruckxxx



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Idols, F/M, Light Angst, M/M, Teen Angst, idk what to tag, inspired by the svt gf mama collab, lots of feelings, soonyoung centric, soonyoung dancing with yuju was wow i had to ????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 16:58:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8900437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderstruckxxx/pseuds/wonderstruckxxx
Summary: Soonyoung chases his dreams, leaving behind the person who had mattered the most.





	

_The thing about regrets is that they plant so many seeds in your head, seeds that slowly sprout roots that embed themselves in the very corners of your brain, and little by little, they grow until they occupy so much of your thoughts, until they’re all you can think about. These regrets give birth to the countless scenarios that play over and over again, leaving you with thoughts of how things could’ve gone, how things could’ve been, and how things should be. Regrets leave you with what ifs, what ifs that lead to questions that could forever be unanswered. Regrets prevent you from moving forward, from living in the present and seeing how much you can do in the future._

_And regrets, regrets are what keep Soonyoung from being content, from being happy about how far he has come, from being proud of where his hard work has brought him. At the same time, these regrets fuel Soonyoung, reminding him what he has already done, what he has already lost. And somehow, they keep him going._

_He takes a deep breath, letting the beats slowly take control of him, easing him out of the endless pit of thoughts that have been dragging him down ever since. He lets the music take the lead, his body simply following, shaping itself according to the music._

_Dancing is the only thing that quiets down the lingering voices in his head. It’s the only thing that prevents his mind from racing, from going back to that very day that changed every single thing in his life. A single day, a single decision. A decision that, a year later, still haunts him night and day, in dreams and daydreams._

_He closes his eyes, losing himself further, the music seeping into his skin, his limbs, his bones. Dance is the only thing that keeps him going, remembering how much he has sacrificed to be able to set foot on stages, how much he’s already done and is willing to do. He always reminds himself that this is what will make him happy, reaching his dreams, being the idol that people will admire and look up to. But sometimes, when he looks at himself in the mirror, gaunt face and lackluster eyes, he wonders if this was worth everything he has given up._

_The song ends, and he drops to the floor, sweat covering him from head to toe, beyond exhausted but temporarily content. For the first time since he entered that dance room, he takes a quick glance at the clock placed at the corner wall, almost hidden and completely out of place._

_3:41 is what it says, which meant that Soonyoung has been practicing for 6 hours straight. He had intended to stay for only an hour because he still has some homework to do, but he’s never been good at stopping himself from anything he gets completely lost in. And the 6 hours didn’t feel that long, felt too short even. But his body tells him otherwise, tells him that he’s worked himself to the bone yet again, tells him that if he doesn’t stop doing this, he’ll sooner or later break himself for good, tells him that yes, that burning sensation he’s feeling in his arms and legs, yes, that’s pain._

_But Soonyoung, the hard headed idiot that he is, simply smiles, spreading out his limbs on the cold hardwood floor, allowing himself to be happy, just for a little bit, only for a little while.  
_

~~~~~

Personally, Soonyoung thinks the choreography is flat, too easy, not just for him, but pretty much everyone in this class, thinks that they should be doing something a bit more complicated for a so-called advanced class. But who is he to complain really, a year of university life and three years as a trainee has taught him that patience is what will get you to places. Hard work, of course, is the key factor, but patience is also an important trait that will get you to where you want to be. Where will your hard work go if you’re not patient enough to let yourself grow and mature, not patient enough to wait for the right opportunities to come? So he follows, and attempts to listen as the visiting choreographer demonstrates the key parts of the dance once more.

They run through it a couple of times, and he’s right when he said it was too easy, because the entire class manages to do three straight runs that were all very close to perfection. 

“Okay class, before you go, let me just remind you that sign ups for this semester’s recital is already open, and that the sign-up sheets are outside my office. You have two months until the end of this semester, two months to prepare. Okay? See you next week.”, Mr. Lee waves them off at that, all 22 of them bowing at their professor and his choreographer friend who had visited them in class that day. 

The mention of the recital sets Soonyoung’s thoughts into overdrive. Two months. He has two months before his life completely turns around. He has two months left to finally accomplish what he’s been trying to do for more than a year now. He’s been making and executing plans that have ultimately failed, but he has one last plan up his sleeves, and it might be the craziest one yet. 

His eyes quickly scan the room, hoping that the person he badly needs for this plan of his to work hasn’t left. He spots her, by the doorway, a big smile on her face which is mirrored by the boy in front of her.

Soonyoung tries to swallow the lump forming in his throat, because he should be used to this really. It’s been months. He’s seen this scene almost everyday for the past months. But he can’t seem to shake off the jealousy and the pain, both of which he could only blame himself for.

He watches them, conversing happily about something he’ll never know about. He watches, even though the lump in his only grows further, slowly making it harder for him to breathe. That could’ve been him really, being walked to and from class, sharing stupid conversations about the littlest things. If it were him, they would’ve been much closer than what he’s witnessing, they were childhood friends for fucks sake. There could’ve been arms on shoulders, hands on waists, intertwined fingers, and he could go on, but it’d be stupid to do so, because what’s the point? But still his mind races, going on about how things could’ve gone. How that should’ve been him.

This? This is Soonyoung’s regret, the regret that is planted in his head and has grown into the monster that consumes him. His regret is that he let his dreams get the best of him. His regret is that he selfishly took someone for granted, not realizing that his decision had broke that person’s heart. His regret is that he left without saying goodbye, not answering messages and calls that he had received every single day for an entire month until they just stopped coming. His regret is that he left so many unanswered questions and broken promises, only realizing too late that running away from them would only make things worse. His regret is that he chased his dreams and left behind the person who watched his every stage, the person he had made his dreams with. He left Lee Seokmin and broke his heart, and he doesn’t know how to make things better, doesn’t know how to get back his best friend who won’t even look him in the eye anymore.

He’s been trying to get Seokmin to listen to him, to look at him, but the boy has managed to dodge every attempt he’s made, has blatantly ignored every hello. He’s tried asking help from Seokmin’s roommates, but not matter how hard they try, Seokmin always finds a way to outsmart them, leaving Soonyoung a little more hopeless each time. It hurts, but he knows that he’s hurt Seokmin even more. And this plan of his, his final chance, involves the very girl who’s making Seokmin smile again. It’s his last chance to apologize, to set things right. He may not get his best friend back, but at the very least, the last thing he could do before he begins a new chapter in his life is to finally close the one that he’s long left behind.

~~~~~

Getting her to say yes was easy. It’s not like they haven’t interacted at all, Soonyoung could even easily say she’s more than an acquaintance, almost a friend. She’s also a dance major, a year younger than him, and she minors in music, and Soonyoung assumes that’s where she met Seokmin. They’ve been grouped together for a couple of projects this semester, and he could frankly say she’s a good person. Which is why no matter how much he tries, he can’t seem to find it in himself to look at her badly. Especially when it’s her who makes Seokmin brighter, happier.

He had initially thought of coming clean, telling her exactly why he’s asking her for help. But somehow, without him divulging any other information, she tells him, “It’s okay, oppa. I’ll ask Seokmin to come watch.”

It shocks him, his eyes widening to a size he never knew was possible, wide enough to make Yuju giggle. Because if other people see his desperation, why can’t Seokmin? It frustrates him sometimes, how much Seokmin goes out of his way to run away from him. It frustrates him, because ever since he left Gwangju to chase his dreams, there has been a voice inside his head telling him he made the wrong decision. And he knows he can’t exactly blame Seokmin for being this angry at him, but he had hoped that Seokmin would, at the very least, listen to him. He expected the cold shoulder, but it’s been a year of him trying without making any progress at all, and he’s just tired. Especially since things have been quite intense recently, with so much happening, he doesn’t have the same luxury of chasing Seokmin across the campus anymore. He doesn’t have much time.

So even though the other members, his closest friends, have told him over and over again that this was a stupid plan, that he’d only be wasting so much time and effort, he still goes through with it. He can already see the judging looks they’ll be giving him, after all, he’s seen them so many times, during all those times they get back to the dorm only for them to see him sobbing while taking shot after shot of soju. Maybe they’ll let him be this time, pat him in the back instead, because it’s his last try anyway, there won’t be any other chance. 

“Thank you, Yuju, really.” he manages to say after a couple moments of contemplation, because in the end, after thinking about it long enough, Soonyoung believes that she might be the only person left that can help him. 

The younger girl simply smiles at him, “Ah oppa, don’t thank me. All my friends wanted to ask you to partner up with them, and I was going to ask too if you hadn’t asked first.”

It’s his turn to smile, and now it’s crystal clear to him. This girl is everything he could never be for Seokmin.

“Still, thank you. See you again next week?”

~~~~~~

Ordering and eating a box of fried chicken and a large bowl jjajjangmyeon each at two in the morning is nothing new, in fact, it’s become a bad habit that completely disregards all of their diets. But who cares about their diets really, especially when they’ve been practicing for more than twelve hours, with minimal breaks in between. They decided to call it a day when Wonwoo noticeably went pale, and at the same time, they’ve all become a lot more irritable due to the fatigue.

Soonyoung thinks he’s done a okay job so far, in trying to keep himself together and hide the fact that he feels like death. Juggling some school work, recital preparations, and rehearsals with the group has been pushing him to his limits. But he tries really hard still, to does his best in everything. He still studies for the short quizzes in his English class, still meets up with Yuju to perfect the dance they’ll be doing at the recital, still gives his best whenever they rehearse for the showcase, the shoots. But the thing he can’t stop is being lost in his own thoughts.

“Yah, Kwon Soonyoung. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore, but can you please stop looking like a lovesick puppy? We’re a month away, you know, I’m pretty sure you know your priorities. We trust you, but your feelings…” Jihoon says, with a tone that’s part concern, part exasperation. 

Jihoon isn’t exactly the most vocal in the team when it comes to discussing these kinds of things, but he’s the leader, and Soonyoung sees that he’s been trying to get better at this, with talking feelings with the members. And Soonyoung knows it shows on his face, it’s something he can’t exactly stop. But he knows where Jihoon’s concern is coming from. Because soon, they’ll be shooting for their teaser photos and the music video, and he can’t exactly afford to be looking lovesick all the time. Soon enough, they’ll be recognizable in public, and in an industry where image matters, he has to do better.

“I know… I’ll try harder, okay? These past weeks have been hard, I guess.” he says with a sigh. He knows he shouldn’t be like this, especially since all of them have been working really hard. Heck, all of them are university students, a choice that they all decided on, something they all want to experience and is something the company thinks will support the image they're going for.

“You haven’t told us, but I’m pretty sure this is still about Seokmin. We’ve been telling you not to do it, but knowing you... Just do well, okay?” Junhui smiles and ruffles his hair, his reassuring smile mirrored on Wonwoo’s and Jihoon’s lips. 

Because despite the disagreements, they’ve been together through so much. They’re the ones who witnessed him question himself and his decisions over and over again. They’re the ones who were there to defend him when he was in the brink of being removed from the company because of an injury. They’re the ones who appreciate his work and the effort he puts in every choreography he makes. They know him, well enough to see that this matters to him. That Seokmin matters. And they’re the only people who know how much he’s missed Seokmin, how much he wants to go back to the way they used to be.

But Wonwoo scrunches his nose, a contemplative look on his face, and adds, “If this doesn’t work though, you know you should stop, right? Because you can’t keep on fighting a battle when you’re the only one left fighting.”

~~~~~

When the members asked him the first time, while all three of them were nursing him out of the hangover he drank himself into, he didn’t exactly know what to tell them. He wasn’t sure what they were then before he left. Sure, Seokmin was his best friend, the person who knew every single thing about him, the person he basically grew up with. But there were things, feelings, that changed, even before he left. He didn’t see it clearly at first, too busy with his final year of high school, trying to keep his grades up while holding his spot as the dance team captain. Because somehow, while he was growing on his own, he had forgotten that he should be there for Seokmin. He had made so many plans on his own, without realizing that he had already laid out his dreams, had promised Seokmin they’d chase them together. But despite all that, Seokmin was still there for him, never leaving his side.

When they ask him again, he’s much sober this time, so he tells them. He tells them that Seokmin was the 10-year old boy who moved in next door one Sunday afternoon. That Seokmin was the boy who had seen an 11-year old Soonyoung dancing to one of his dad’s favorite songs, peeking through the fence in their backyard, clapping when the music stopped. That Seokmin was the first person who told him that he was an amazing dancer, even going as far as saying that he’s the best the younger boy has seen. Seokmin was the kid who’d make his mother smile everyday, bringing her flowers from their backyard whenever he’d come over to play. That Seokmin was the boy he walked with to school every single day until they were separated by middle school and then by high school. Seokmin was the one who watched him practice his dancing, even singing for him when the CD player runs out of battery. Seokmin was the only person he could share the weirdest jokes with, understanding his humor without fail. Seokmin was the person who watched sunsets with him, laying on the grass in their backyards, talking about nonsensical things about their days. Seokmin was the only person who understood his dream, who dreamed of the same things, promising that they’d chase after them together. 

Seokmin was the boy with the brightest smile that could easily outshine any star in the galaxy. Seokmin was the boy who might as well be his other half.

He didn’t have to say much after that. The other boys simply understood, because Soonyoung isn’t exactly a complex person. Soonyoung just feels, dreams, hopes, and chases. 

What he never saw coming was chancing upon Seokmin in the hallway on his first day on campus. He thought of Seokmin a lot, that’s true. But that moment was beyond his imagination, especially when he had gone and applied to a university that wasn’t on Seokmin’s list, not purposely, but it was the university most convenient for him. So when their eyes locked, his body moved by itself, crossing the sea of people rushing to their classes, but Seokmin was quicker, managing to run away from him. 

That night, when he got to the practice room, he danced so hard, so much, until he couldn’t feel his limbs, until he couldn’t stand. Because it was one thing to think about your problems, to rethink  
the scenarios in your head over and over again, and a completely different thing facing them. And seeing Seokmin for the first time in almost two years was something that caught him completely off-guard.

He’s been trying to get to him ever since, realizing that running away from their unresolved issues will never get him anywhere. But now, Seokmin is done following him, and he’s the one doing the chasing, but he seems to be so much slower, because a year in, he hasn’t even gotten anywhere close.

He remembers this one thing that his mother always told him, that no matter what he does, he must be ready for the consequences of his actions and that everything happens for a reason. And he believes her, because it’s clear how he got here. His decisions, his very poor decisions brought him here. He still isn’t sure how to look at the situation though, because he is, after all, just a month away from stepping on stage, performing a song that belongs to his group alone. And he wonders if that’s where his last stroke of luck went, but he hopes against the universe and against fate that somehow this chapter of his life ends well at the very least.

“Oppa? We’re up next.”

Yuju gives him a look, similar to all the ones his friends have been giving him ever since. It’s not like him to over-analyze and read into things, but if there’s something he’s sure of, everyone seems to be telling him to just stop, to let it go, to move on and just forget it ever happened. But he isn’t just going to let things end like that. 

“Okay, let’s go.”

The lights are dim when they get on stage, and immediately, Soonyoung feels so much all at once. Being onstage gives him a rush that he can’t describe, but he’s pretty sure that the quickening pace of his heartbeat accounts for something else. It’s Seokmin, finally having him in the crowd again. And at this point, Soonyoung’s sure Seokmin knows his performing with Yuju. But he hopes that the boy stays long enough to see what they’ve been preparing, the dance he choreographed in hopes of hitting home, of making Seokmin see how much he regrets, of how much he wants to go back in time to change things.

The music plays, and he lets his body take over. Yuju is across the stage, and it somehow warms his heart seeing how much the younger girl has put into this, trusting him and believing in him. Seeing how everything they worked hard for is coming together at this stage, it’s completely overwhelming. This dance might just be the best he’s ever made, and it’s only right, because this dance holds everything he want to say, everything he feels. 

And he could only hope that Seokmin, the boy who watched his very first stage at their middle school’s talent show, could see how sorry he is, and how much it’d would mean to him if Seokmin could watch and support him still, which is asking too much, but it’s worth the shot.

The music ends, and lights turn on. They’re given a standing ovation, and it warms his heart, but there’s something else he’s looking for. His eyes scan the theater, and he sees Seokmin, seated in the second row, an unreadable look on his face. They give the crowd a bow and walk together backstage. 

Yuju tugs his wrist, a small smile on her lips, “Soonyoung-oppa, just wait here, okay?” 

She disappears through the door of their waiting room, and Soonyoung suddenly feels like he’s going to faint. He steadies himself by leaning on the wall by the door, guiding himself to the chair by the corner of the room. This is the moment he’s been waiting for. He’s been preparing for this, what he’s going to say, what he’s going to do, but now, he can’t seem to remember anything. His mind is blank, and he feels like his heart is going to leap out of his chest. 

Because he doesn’t know how much Seokmin has gone through because of him, but he has a vague idea, and it only makes him feel worse.

Moments pass, and he hears the door knob turn. 

“Seokmin-ah…”

For the first time in three years, their eyes lock again. Soonyoung didn’t think it would hurt this much, but it does. Because for the first time since that December night he left Gwangju, he sees tears in Seokmin’s eyes.

He watches as Seokmin wordlessly crosses the distance between them, stopping inches away from him. It hurts much more now, seeing how much pain he’s caused and is still causing Seokmin. 

So he reaches out, slowly wiping the tears streaming down Seokmin’s face, “Seokmin-ah… I’m really sorry, you didn’t deserve any of this.”

Soonyoung wonders if this is okay, touching Seokmin again like this, the younger boy’s face cradled by his hands. Seokmin still doesn’t say anything, but his muffled cries have turned into sobs, and Soonyoung doesn’t know what else to do. 

So he does what Seokmin always did whenever he was the one crying. He holds Seokmin by the waist and pulls him close, placing the taller boy’s head on his shoulder. 

This time, Seokmin does move, aiming weak hits at Soonyoung’s chest, “Hyung, I- I hate you so much you know that?”

Soonyoung closes his eyes, but he doesn’t let go. He deserves this, and whatever Seokmin will do or say, he’ll gladly take.

“You know how much that hurt? You promised we’d go together, right? I believed in you!”

If he could go back in time, he would change his decision then, leaving Seokmin behind the moment he received an acceptance email from the company without a word. He regrets not telling Seokmin, not explaining, because maybe if he did, things would’ve gone a lot better.

“But it hurt more because you had to lie, you didn’t think I’d support you? When didn’t I, hyung? I would have, if you just fucking told me! But you just left… Without saying anything, after I told you how I felt!”

That’s where it hits home. If there’s one thing he regrets the most, that’s it, not acknowledging Seokmin’s feelings then, refusing to believe it was possible for the younger boy to feel the same things he did. Because after all, will they really be happy? If they chase their dreams to be onstage, is being together plausible? In the eyes of a country who strongly disagreed? They had no chance. But the very least he could’ve done was say no, instead, he ran away.

“It hurt, you know? You didn’t even bother answering my texts, my calls. But after months, I was okay. But you had to be here too! You just had to follow me around too, huh? I was trying to forget, okay? But it still hurts…”

The hits still come, much weaker now, but it’s the tears from Seokmin’s eyes that keep on coming. 

“I- I don’t know what to say to make everything better, but I just want to say sorry. I know I already lost you, but I wanted you to know that I’m debuting next month, that’s the dream right?”

That gets Seokmin to look at him, a look that melts him and warms his heart. There’s a smile on Seokmin’s lips, one that he never thought he’d receive again.

“Hyung… wow…”

Soonyoung smiles back, his heart feeling lighter than it has in years. Because things may have gone differently, but now he realizes, you can never change the past, but you can always live in the now and look forward to the future.

**Author's Note:**

> this wasn't supposed to be this long?????? but soonyoung's feelings took over??? i'm sorry? not my best either, but i really got into writing this so
> 
> this was highly inspired by the 30-sec dance collab between soonyoung and yuju during mama 2016 and tswift's back to december
> 
> also this was written for my friend and my fave soonseok enthusiast but i hope you all like it too?
> 
> (i'm _halcyonelixir on twitter btw!)


End file.
